Wow! Time is flying by. It’s already February. It’s been a minute since my last entry. I’ve been so busy. Gratefully so. I still haven’t spoken to him. My heart pounds hard every time I hear his voicemails, or see his number flash across my screen. So hard it feels like my heart will burst through my skin. It’s a horrible feeling. Every time I think about the deceit the same thing happens. I have a complete stress reaction. Fight or flight. I want to beat his ass. And beat her ass too. If she didn’t know about me, I wouldn’t beat her ass, but since she knew he had a girl when she started dealing with him, she’s going to get what’s coming to her. I have no other options. Stomp both of them. He gets the bulk of it though. The feeling is so strong that I just have to do it.
But, forget about him, because I’m starting to get upset and I’ve made a promise to myself not to do that. No use shaving off years of my life stressing something that I had no control over. People do what they do. The only actions I can control are my own. And I’m tired of my chest hurting.
Here’s the good news: I’ve booked four acting gigs! I don’t know what happened. I was on a roll. “I just love your look! Please don’t change anything!” One casting lady told me. It was the first time I’d ever heard that. Usually they wanted me to change at least one thing. If not my look, then my talk. I’ve heard that my New York accent is too strong. My hair is too nappy. My skin was too dark. I was too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny. The amount of rejection and ridicule is enough to drive you crazy. Why am I putting myself through this? It’s for the moments that I do land something and I get to act.
The first role is as a bartender. They liked me enough that they gave me a few more lines. It’s an indie flick that no one will probably ever see anywhere except for late night searching movies on Netflix. But I’m proud of it and I can’t wait for post-production.
The second role was for a commercial. All I did was smile and say, “Wow, what a deal!”. I said that shit like it was the best deal on the planet!
The third was as a patron in a diner. I said, “What are your specials again?” The waitress rolls her eyes and went through her list of five specials. “Ok. How many biscuits come with the turkey dinner?” She ran it down again and I say, “Ok, I see.” I pause for a moment, look at the menu on both sides while she huffs and then I say, “Can you tell me the specials one more time?” And she curses at me and quits. I completely related to the waitress. I go through that stupidity every day. I should’ve had her role, but she was the main character. Another indie movie. I love the vibe of indie movie sets. They’re so gritty.
The fourth one hasn’t started yet. They are having some production issues. The last I heard the script had changed. That was two days ago. So far I’m still in it. Just playing the waiting game.
I was able to go to the dentist to have my teeth pulled. All four wisdoms at the same time. My girl Sandra picked me up and her stupid self recorded me while I was coming to. She thought it was hilarious. The video is funny. I can’t lie. I made her promise not to put it on Youtube.
My career is moving forward. I’m really excited. I miss having my man to share it with. But that’s how life goes. You don’t always get what you want. But if you’re lucky, you get what you need. I’m getting ready for work in a few minutes. The whole country is watching the Super Bowl it seems. Neither the Giants nor Jets are playing, so I could care less. I should make some great tips tonight. Lots of drunk men. My phone is ringing. It’s him. My heart is pounding. I feel sick and dizzy. It’s been 34 days since I’ve spoken to him. I’m afraid I may answer.
Feb 3rd – life is bitter sweet.