I was just chatting with my friend Danielle, and we both have the same optimistic feeling about 2015. It feels good. She said it feels “great”. I’ve always had an affinity for the numbers 5, 15, and 25. Possibly because I was born in a “5” year.
Last year was a strange beast. In 2013, I thought I was building something, and I was, but I was going in the wrong direction. But I had the right kind of energy and momentum. I was skewed in my path. In 2014 I was hit with a few things that could be either looked at as set backs or opportunities. I definitely had a lot of rest, and time to think, reflect, and create a better plan. I’m grateful for that time because a lot of people don’t get the chance to have it, in the way that I did. I learned a lot about myself and the things that I really want and need. It seems all of the growing up I should’ve done over the past 10 years, I did between 2013 and 2014. That’s not to say I don’t have plenty of mistakes left in me. But, I’m allowing myself to grow from them faster. I’m being more critical of myself and not hiding from my BS. I’m learning and accepting who I am. The things that I don’t like, I’ll change. The things I do like, I’ll enhance. Lessons I wished I’d learned earlier. But everyone’s arc is on a different time table, and I’ve always been a later bloomer.
This year feels good. It feels ripe for the picking. I’m exciting to find out what I’ll accomplish. I’m looking forward to seeing my goals and dreams come to fruition.
I’m in New Orleans now. I might make this my home. It is, after all, one of my favorite cities. We’ll see!
Thirty more days until the end of 2014. It’s been an interesting year. These last thirty days have to count for me. I have to accomplish something so I can make this year count for something, anything.
I guess it’s the holidays that have me feeling super emo. Things have been making me cry for the past four days. I feel the clock ticking on life. if I eat right and don’t get hit by any cars, I figure I have a good fifty or sixty years left, based on my families longevity. I want the rest of my life to be awesome. I don’t want it to be like it’s been up until now. I just gotta figure out how to start the adventure.
The best way for me to start is to leave my house.
So, I’m missing the snow in NY. Glad I left when I did. That amount of snow in November is crazy! But climate change is still a myth. A tool by the left used to scare people into government regulation of business. OK.
I’m trying to wrap my mind around a story that’s stuck in my head and must see paper. It must color a blank page or I’ll go a little crazy.
Turning the TV off. Turning some music on, and will meditate myself into a writing session. This is my life after all.
I was just about to start complaining and feel bad for myself. I’d already written about 300 words of woe is me. But then I said, “Bitch, count your blessings. How many people get to pursue their dream with as much support as I have? Be grateful for you mom and you pretend siblings and your friends. Be grateful for days where you can just write without worry. Be grateful for the food in your stomach, hot showers, and a place to lay your head. All the other shit is temporary. Just steps to climb on your way to your personal legend.”
I said that stuff to myself and then I smiled. I giggled, and I felt good. Life is about perception. I’m in a better position than many. I’m healthy, I’ve been afforded the opportunity to live my dream. How dare I complain? I just need to get the things done that I need done. I need schedules and deadlines. I need to manage my time better. I just need to improve the way I handle things and fix the things I don’t like. Enhance the things I do. Aside from any external forces, who I am and what I accomplish is up to me. It can all be done. If you see it in your mind, you will hold it in your hand. It’s about effort, priorities and a belief so strong that it’s insanity.
Live your dreams. Peace!
So, I’m getting ready to leave NY for a few months. There’s a lot to do between now and my flight. I’m pretty much packed. I just has some stuff I need to ship, the potential cost of which has me a little nervous. I may have to just toss some stuff. I half want to fly out, get my car then drive back up here to get my shit. But that would cost way more.
I grew up riding subways, walking with shopping carts full of food, stopping in the street to get a quick bite to eat. Then I moved down south where I had to drive every freaking where I went. All groceries were thrown in the back of my car and a quick bite was ALWAYS a drive thru, or else I had to go to a restaurant. The culture is so different. They both have their benefits.
But I’m not going to West Bubblefuck where I lived before. I’m going to New Orleans. Which is like a southern NY. More so than Atlanta, because you still have to drive everywhere in Atlanta. NOLA on the other hand is a walking city (still not as much as NYC though), and there is always something going on. Plus, my “brother” is there, which is really good because he’s such a go-getter that I can’t be lazy around him.
Let me go and get myself to the shipping spot so I can buy some boxes. I’m still trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life. I have a goal, which is to write for a living, by any means necessary. I want to be able to support my mom, myself, and my travels through writing. I see it so clearly. I’m just trying to get to that tipping point.
Had a Skype meeting with a new writer’s group. I’m like so looking forward to communicating with these women again. I think this is going to be something special.
In other news, “How to Get Away with Murder” is such an awesome show. And yes, I am completely biased in my affinity for it because of how I feel about Viola Davis. Double points for having her and having such great writers. The show is really good.
It just all around feels like it’s finally black women’s time to shine. One of the women in the writing group said that, and I wholeheartedly agree. The energy in the air is that of progress. I just want to say yes to all the possibilities and yes to all of the positive energy.
I’m working on two stories to publish ASAP for Chocolate Girl Wonder. I’m so excited! My dear sweet friend Lizette is beta reading one of the stories. I’m so excited about launching this brand. It’s been a long time coming.
So, I recently had a birthday. I see time ticking away, and running out. I was immortal until I reached my thirties. Ten years ago I had no idea what I’d be doing with my life. I wish I knew then what I know now. Yes, that is the most clichéd thing to say, but it’s a cliché because it is so completely true. So, now my goal is to not look back next year, or in the next ten years, regretting the way I’m spending my time now. I have wasted entirely too much time doing things to keep up with the status quotient. I’m in the position to use time to live. The matrix is not for everyone. We are here. Each of us. Living, breathing on this beautiful planet. We are boundless energy, temporarily formed as Earthlings. We mean nothing and we mean everything to each other. I just want to live and enjoy whatever this is. #livelifekiki
I fell asleep about one a.m., on the couch. Consequently, my neck is in some distress and mosquitos were firebombing me all night. I just woke up maybe thirty minutes ago. After I post this I’m going to chill out on using the internet so I can get some good writing in. Maybe I need a separate machine typewriter or something that has no access to the internet. Something compatible with my laptop, but with no laptop features. I know there’s something like that. I’ve seen it before. It’s like a digital typewriter. Has a USB card to transfer info to a computer, and like a ten hour battery life. Anyway, the last thing I need to do is spend money.
Time to mature. Show some discipline, since discipline is the cheapest option for pretty much everything in my life. Discipline with buying food, buying books, just spending money in general. Discipline with using my time wisely, because time is everything and everything is time. Spending time not working on my goals at this point is like throwing money out the window. But it’s worse than money because you can always make money. You can’t ever get time back.
I’m watching time pass right now. So let me get to working on my dream. This time next year, I have to be telling a different story. #dontfuckthisupkiki
I like really need to get my life together. I am such a mess. I’m really sad about Robin Williams. He had so much energy that he had light radiating through him. Depression is no joke. I don’t know if I’ve ever been clinically depressed. But, I’ve been in very white spaces where nothing good was coming from my mind. My self talk was horrible, and the only thing that kept me pushing ahead was the thought of how devastated my mom would be if anything ever happened to me. I’ve not been suicidal as an adult, but I’ve definitely wanted to fucking disappear.
Those white spaces are a slippery slope. The feeling begets itself until it’s hard to see your way out. Feeling hopeless is an awful feeling. It’s its own death. I read that people who have the most accurate assessment of themselves are likely to be depressed. Maybe he knew himself too well. Maybe he wanted to control when he died. People are complex.
I have a lot of hope. I haven’t always been that way. I became an optimist in 2008 and haven’t turned back. I wrote a post about it somewhere in this blog. I just really believe and think and know that everything is going to work out the way it needs to. And that things that seem horrible (short of death) can be turning points. I’ve experienced a few of them. Thinking something was horrible that ends up turning out to be the best thing that could’ve happened to me. That’s why I’m not worried about losing my job. Shit happens.
Still, I like really need to get my life together. Next year this time, I expect to have something wonderful in this journal.
I did a few things writing-wise today. Not as much as I would have liked. But the day is not over yet. Not starving, but I’m a very hungry artist right now. Trying to sustain myself on the thought of making my dreams come true. Getting to know a lot about myself. I told my mother today that I finally decided to go ahead and mature. It’s a decision I made last year. She was surprised that it was a decision I had to make. It was. I don’t have any children. No responsibilities other than myself. I don’t have to “grow up.” But I need to in order to progress. I realize that’s why I was stagnant for so many years. Happy with the essentials. A car, a house, a good job. None of it fulfilled my soul. Pursuing this dream of writing for a living has given me more pleasure than any job I’ve ever has. I’ve had to mature in order to chase it and make it a reality.
In the meantime, my stomach has collapsed on itself because I don’t have anything in it but air & acid. Yet somehow I have managed not to lose any weight LOL!
I really need to accomplish something today. I’d been going crazy writing up until this Monday. I’ve slowed down. I need to get back on task. I don’t have writer’s block. I don’t believe in that. I just have lazy. and that is a bad, bad thing to have. My focus has been thrown off. It’s so easy to slip into lazy and say “tomorrow, I’m gonna…” I need to do myself better than that. All I have is today. That’s all anyone has. So today, I’m getting back into my swing. I’m going to take the next ten minutes decide which project I’m going to work on. Actually, I don’t need the next ten minutes because I just decided. Good, I’m making progress. I’m in the perfect position. Don’t fuck it up Ki Ki!
I didn’t accomplish as much as I should have. I’ve been up for about 12 hours. The most I’ve done is a blog earlier this morning. I learned a few new things (aside from what I discussed in the blog) so that’s good. I’m coming up with a grand plan of action as well. So, that’s good too. As long as I stick with it. I want to be one of those people who says “being fired was the best thing that ever happened to me.” Oh, yeah, I got fired. It’s ok. That was about a month ago. I wasn’t very good at the job. It was sales disguised as customer service. I am great at customer service. I’m not good at sales.
At the time I was really sick, which they knew. They also knew my commute was two hours each way. But they let me come into work and do about an hour maybe of my shift. I would have preferred that they called me at home and saved four hours out of my day. After lying just the week before and saying they weren’t going to. I knew it was coming. They were interviewing for my position. When asked about it my immediate manager lied of course. Though I’m sure in his head, he didn’t lie, he just didn’t say the truth. So, I was looking forward to it. Still it messed with my ego when it finally happened. They had another person that started that next Monday. That person quit after one day. Plus another of their best employees quit about a week or two after that. As far as I’m aware, neither of them have been replaced. I’m not saying that made me happy, but it made me smile and giggle just a little.